Homeward Bound
by andyjay18
Summary: Riley tried to return home...wherever that may be.


" _Then I'm laying out my winter clothes_

 _And wishing I was gone_

 _Where the New York City winters aren't bleeding me_

 _Leading me_

 _Going home."_

\- Simon and Garfunkel, "The Boxer"

"Welp, we're on the road back to Minnesota now. Riley's about to get reacquainted with her old memories again, and there's no more earthquake danger, eh buddy? Maybe we should take over from Joy and Sadness more often."

"Yeah, that does sound good. Although...it's fall now, and all Riley's wearing is just her normal light jacket. Heck, that's...basically all she's brought along. Y-you don't think it'll be...real cold there, do you?"

"Sheesh, shoulda known you'd find _something_ new to get worked up about. Meg's gotta have tons of coats, and probably at least a sleeping bag warmer than that mattress on the floor."

"And what about food?"

"Hey, she took her mom's money just now. Shouldn't be too hard to use the old four-finger discount at a convenience store. And hey, Disgust, now that we're leaving San Francisco, we probably won't see any more broccoli pizza again. Least not until after Berkeley, anyway."

"Just tell me when it's time to go to sleep. This bus _reeks_. Didn't you know long-distance buses were gross?"

"Spur of the moment, kid, spur of the moment."

"Y-you want to steal _again_? Her mom was distracted; you know they have cameras everywhere in convenience stores and the like. You really think we'll be so lucky next time? I dunno; I got a real bad feeling about this, man..."

"When _don't_ you have a bad feeling about stuff? Riley's parents made a mistake; she doesn't like it in San Francisco, and the only reason she wanted to go was after seeing her cousin's vacation photos. And if she ever sees that little white jerk Kyubey again, she'll use his head as a hockey puck for bringing us out here! We go out and risk our lives fighting those weird monsters, and what've we gotten for it? She lost her best friend, no one wants to sit with her at school, our furniture's still lost, the new house creaks and smells funny, and there's creepy homeless people everywhere! Little jerk said he'd give us what we want!"

"Well, like I was saying about the cold...the day he showed up, didn't it get down to about 20 below? And then the pipes froze... Those photos just looked so nice then. Did he actually say Riley'd be happy in San Francisco, just like that?"

"Well...he said would grant our wish..."

"Lemme play back the memory of that wish now; see what really happened."

" _I wish...we could all just move out to San Francisco."_

" _Excellent. Your contract has been made. Here is your Soul Gem, Puella. Please remember to keep it clean."_

"She...she didn't really wish to be happy in San Francisco, did she? Just that she'd move there. And now she's... I knew this wasn't...w-we gotta get off the bus somehow! We shoulda thought all this through! All she wanted now was to go home...-b-but where is home anymore? They've been out here for almost a month now, and her parents've gotta be worried sick..."

"Y'know, maybe if you would've taken a short break from worrying about earthquakes, Fear, and you could've spent a bit less time calling him 'chicken', Anger, maybe one of you two nincompoops would've had second thoughts about all this. Yeah, Joy is kind of a control freak, but..."

"But dang it, no one _gets_ Riley anymore, at least not out here! The only people who still get her are back in Minnesota! And at least it snows there, and people actually know how to skate on real lake ice, rough patches and all, not these...fake ping-pong tables indoors! For crying out loud, people here think 65 degrees is _cold_!"

"Oh God, I...just thought of something else. Riley's been so worked up about school and friends lately, and...stealing money for bus tickets...when's the last time she cleaned her Soul Gem?"

"Uhh, guys? We're getting a communication from the Subconscious Department. There's...some kind of situation going on there. ...This is Green, could you repeat?"

"Yeah, I dunno how to describe it but...it's like there's a tornado forming down here! A whole bunch of props are coming loose...it's getting windy...whoa..."

"A _tornado_? How could that...? You sure it's not just a...misplaced memory of the wind out at Land's End or something?"

"It's-it's about the only way I can describe this! There's this big cloud of dust...almost like it's...boiling...and growing... Whoa! I gotta take cover! A desk almost hit me!"

"Okay, but you'll have to speak up! I can barely hear you... UGGHH! There's snot all over the bottom of this armrest! Why'd I decide to go along with this, Flameboy?"

"Oh, so now you're joining _his_ side? I suppose you just _love_ seeing all those bums lying on the street in puddles of their own vomit?"

"OhmygodohmygodohmyGOD! This was the bridge that collapsed in that one big earthquake a long time ago, right? Right? And...what's that big cloud coming from below? And why's the control room SHAKING?!"

" _Hey little girl, are you feeling all right? You're breathing kinda hard there."_

"What, you don't remember bums back in Minnesota? Don't you remember how Riley's dad always went out of his way to avoid driving through North Minneapolis?

"I got heart and breathing at max! Still not enough oxygen! Aw man, all we wanted was to go home again, wherever that is..."

"Th-THERE'S SOMETHING INSIDE THE CLOUD!"

" _Aw man, driver, pull over! Her eyes are rolling back! We gotta call an ambulance or something!"_

The bus fishtailed as he braked, but somehow Alonzo managed to swerve across two lanes of traffic into the emergency lane in the middle of the western span of the Bay Bridge. Somehow he'd lasted 15 years with the company, and as a result considered himself a fairly decent employee. Even so, there were some occasional moments when he wasn't quite sure if he knew absolutely everything of his job and all the ins and outs, such as when he heard that piercing scream coming from the back. That poor little girl. He hadn't seen any other passenger get on who could've matched it. What could be driving her to board an American intercity bus alone (and all that possibly entailed; even with his devotion to the company, he couldn't deny that some stereotypes weren't so untrue), and with such a...broken expression on her face? And now she seemed to be having some sort of medical emergency. The words "orphan", "homeless", and "cancer" floated to the forefront of his mind as he made his way back down the aisle. Already he thought he might need a strong one tomorrow night in Cheyenne.

And of course it got worse.

"Oh my GOD!" the heavyset man sitting next to her blurted before Alonzo even reached her seat. "Sh-she's _dead_!" A chorus of screams followed through the bus like a wave.

"You sure about that?"

"She was breathing a mile a minute a few seconds ago...then she just kinda shuddered, and then...kinda slumped..." He started to sob.

"Okay now, calm down, buddy; she might just be in shock or something...l-lemme just try to call an ambulance..." Of course, that description sure did sound like a death rattle.

BANG! BANG! The bridge suddenly shook underneath them. Fine time for an earthquake.

"O-okay folks, just remain calm. Good thing we're pulled over, eh? Heh. Let's (oof!) just make our way (whoa!) over toward the nearest bridge pier; should be (whoa!) more stable over there..."

The first thing Alonzo noticed on exiting the bus was how cold it suddenly was. He had been sitting in the bus idling in the station for about 30 minutes before leaving, but this wasn't California cold. This was almost like last winter, when he went out to visit his cousin in Chicago. Then he noticed the crystals of snow stinging his face and arms. Okay then. There would be time to piece this together later, after getting to the bridge pier. (It had to actually be just spray off the bay, right?) But he surely couldn't have somehow made a wrong turn onto the Golden Gate Bridge instead of the Bay Bridge, right? Because this structure suddenly looked a lot more like the Golden Gate, with its Art Deco-ish towers sporting the trademark International Orange. Although they seemed to be a lot taller than usual, with the bridge cables almost seeming to form the bars of a prison.

Maybe it was just some kind of optical illusion, because the visibility was suddenly not so good versus the mildly cloudy evening he had just been driving through. The bridge was wrapped in what seemed to be another San Francisco fog, even though he hadn't noticed any fog coming in earlier. But with snow. Yes, this was indeed snow, blowing through the air and draping the road in white.

He laughed. It was okay to laugh, right? A depressed little girl had just dropped dead on his bus of causes unknown (and he wasn't sure he wanted to know what causes), and now all of a sudden they were on the wrong bridge in the middle of a blizzard, with matching frigid temperatures that he just barely registered in his unprotected extremities. And there seemed to be an earthquake going on, but one that didn't feel like anything he'd experienced before. Instead of a steady rolling rumble beneath his feet, there were sudden heavy jolts that seemed to be much more...focused...

BANG! Coming from behind him.

And _of course_ there would be a 20-foot-high hockey mask flapping in midair on seagull wings, with hockey sticks for arms and a weathervane atop its head, hammering away at one of the suspension towers like a lumberjack felling a tree. Alonzo laughed.

His laughter picked up as some passengers who started filing out of the bus (inevitably asking about the little girl) screamed and ducked back inside.

His laughter picked up some more as the hockey mask ceased chopping, turned toward him, and let out a bone-shattering scream which sounded like a much louder version of the Golden Gate foghorn. And then raised one of its hockey stick.

His last thought as the stick's wooden blade descended upon him was, "Yessir, I'm lost."

 _ **Amelia**_ _, the lost Witch. One day she tried to return to her home, but she seems to have forgotten where it is. She now wanders lost through the fog, hoping to find someone who can give her directions or play hockey with her. To defeat this Witch, bring a map with you (GPS devices will not work in her barrier)._

 _Her Familiars are Wayne (a strange pink, tapir-like creature who also seems to like hockey) and Randall, a compass. Their duties are to guide the Witch back home, but they constantly fight over directions._

AN: Amelia is of course from Amelia Earhart, Randall from Rand McNally, and Wayne from NHL regular season point-scoring record-holder Wayne Gretzky.

And yes, I obviously know about the song "Homeward Bound". I just didn't want to be that obvious, heh. Plus, some say "The Boxer" is about the Biblical Prodigal Son, the original wayward-child-returning-home story.


End file.
